New Zealand Datsun Club

I got caught wanking while sniffing my mates mums knickers. Wouldn't have been so bad had she not been wearing them at the time. He went fucking mental! It made the rest of her funeral really awkard.

Three blokes are talking.
first one says, my local pub is so rough that I see a punch up all most every night.
Second one says thats nothing, My local is so rough that the riot squad are called there three times a week.
Next one says, "pft, Thats nothing. My local is so rough that I went to the pub quizz night last week and the 1st question was What the fuck are you looking at?

something i pulled from the nissan owners of south africa

john had a girlfriend, Lorraine , very pretty & he liked her a lot.. One
day john went to work & found a gorgeous new girl had come to work at his office, named Clearly. He was quite smitten with her & she was very interested in him too. But john was a loyal man & wouldn't do anything with Clearly, while he was still with Lorraine .

He decided to break up with Lorraine & get it on with Clearly, but he
couldn't bring himself to do it.

Then 1 day he & Lorraine went for a walk along the riverbank, she
slipped & fell in2 the river, the current carried Lorraine off & she drowned. john stopped for a moment by the river, & then ran off smiling & singing & smiling & singing. What was he singing, you ask??? (Scroll down...)






I can see Clearly now ....... Lo-raine is gone...




Why condoms r packed in 3s, 6s & 12s

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy Asks, "What are
these, Dad?"
To which the man
Matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of That in health class
at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are
there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy... He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are these
for?
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy,
"Then, who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married
men. One for January, one for February, one for March....up to December"
The boy replied; "I am not getting married!!!!",

An earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Nigeria early this morning. Two million Nigerians have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and medical
assistance.

The South African government, not to be outdone, is sending two million Nigerians to replace the dead ones.

Viva South Africa,

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle, Anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She run towards him, calling his name: "Joe. darling.. "

Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me. The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!

How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make a kilo of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course; he'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

dirtyleppa wrote:VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make a kilo of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course; he'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

but she did.



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F * ck me, talk about Dyson with death.



Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says,

" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "

Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."

"f * ck that" says Mick

"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"



I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.

Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?



A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?

You’re in a wheel chair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not fucking listening."



Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

You have supplied unbelievable engineer jokes. This joke has no relation with reality. So, its only your imagination. Please share some funny engineer jokes which is related with reality.

Felt like a bit of porn, so went down the rental and got one that looked real good. Got home, got me beers and chips and settled down to watch. Fuck me, when it came on, it was some guy having a wank. It was when I recognized my couch that I realized I had forgotten to turn the telly on....