Jokes (Adult Content)

[Dattochriswagon]

What can a Park bench do that a maori man cant.
Support a family!

[BADHABIT]

What can a Park bench do that a maori man cant.
Support a family!

LMAO!! Brilliant

[Bartman]

Whats the difference between Saddam Hussein, and Miss Muffet?

Saddam didn't let the kurds get in his way!

[BADHABIT]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

-------------------------

The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

[BADHABIT]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

[Bartman]

As a homework assignment, the teacher told the class to go home and research a story which has a moral to it.
The next day the class were asked to stand up and tell their story.
Sally went first.
"Well you see miss, there was once a farmer who was taking his eggs to market". "On the way his cart hit a bump". "The basket came out and hit the road, and all his eggs got broken".
"So the moral of the story is, don't put all your eggs in one basket".

"Very good Sally" said the teacher.

Next is was Jane's turn.
"once upon a time their was a farmer who had 20 eggs". "He thought when they have all hatched, I'll have 20 chickens". "I will be able to sell those chickens and use the money to buy a new donkey to pull my plow". "But only 15 of the eggs hatched, and he didn't have enough money to buy the new donkey".
"The moral of that story is, don't count your chickens before they've hatched".

"well done Jane" said the teacher.

Then it was little Johnny's turn.
"Back during the second world war, my Grandad was fighting the germans in Europe". "They were having a long and fierce battle in the trenches". "After a few days, they were running low on supplies, and most of my grandads unit had been killed". "The germans had suffered heavy losses too". "Then without warning a mortar landed in their trench, and killed everyone apart from my grandad." "All that he had was a bottle of rum, and four bullets."
"He poked his head out of the trench, and saw 13 german soldiers advancing on his position". "Thinking that this was the end, he downed the whole bottle of rum and charged at the enemy soldiers". "He shot the first four with his last four bullets, and ran the other nine through with his bayonet". "He had held the line, and saved an important piece of ground untill reinforceements could arrive." "They gave him a medal, and he was a hero".

"Thats a very interesting story Johnny, But You haven't done your homework" said the teacher. "There's no moral to that story"
"YES THERE IS MISS" Cried Johnny with a big grin. "Don't fuck with my Grandad when he pissed on rum"!

[dirtyleppa]

whats the similarity between sex and paintball?

you huff and puff for half an hour and hope you dont get shot in the face.

[Bartman]

Whats the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend arse!

[brocky41]

A maori man takes his wife to the doctor for bad chest pain.
Doctor says "your wife has got acute angina".
Maori replies "yeah bro, and nice titties too!"

[Garth]

3 women, a blond, brunet and red head were walking through a forest when they came across some tracks.

The blond said they where goat tracks.
The brunet protested and said they were bear tracks.
The red head also disagreed believing they where deer tracks.

They all got hit by a train.