Jokes (Adult Content)

[torqued]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets,
and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telephone, and says, "So how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!"

God replies, "WHAT? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should have never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once."

"No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously, and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.

"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."

"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"

he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

[torqued]

A man was doing his girlfriend doggy style and she farted!

he just smiled, slapped her ass and said "hush little one your next"

[Dattodevil]

One from my Wife

Why do women wear flowers on their panties? In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there. Lets have a moment of silence please.

[torqued]

so david bain comes out of court .. only to appear in front of a media frenzy..
so they ask him ..
"So david.. now you are found innocent what are you going to do"

david replies...well i wanna go to KFC..

shocked and confused the media reply.. "why do you wanna go to KFC?"



Well i could murder a family pack

[datsunboy]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.

[kartboy]

Two Blondes With Hammers...



Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for

Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into

her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail

it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you

throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half

of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails

aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a

drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the

tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room

doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by

shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest,

and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not

shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid

$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the

mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to

make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the

trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a

really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she

took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have

some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,

and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and

started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little

harder, and still nothing happened

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her

to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the d dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need

to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver

thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to

the clerk to ask what it was..

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things

hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold

things cold,' she replied...

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied... .... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her

boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call

saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home

for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off

it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple

of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.. He looks out

from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from

my sister. Her mother died, too!'

[datsunboy]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"

[Josh]

What do Women and Dog Shit have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

[kartboy]

What have parking spaces and women at parties got in common??

If you get there late the good ones are taken so when no one is looking you slip it in the disabled.

[Josh]

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again..
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager...
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch..'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him...

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!